Rant

Angry. Sullen. Sad. Betrayed. Wild. Violent. Disappointed. Scorned. Furious. Depressed. Suicidal. Apathetic. Is it practically possible for one person to feel all of these emotions at the same time? I don’t mean at precisely the same second. But each emotion pushing and shoving the other to occupy mind space? Is it possible? Or am I just thinking it up?


I want this. I wish I had that. I hope I become like him. I long for that cozy cottage. I yearn for a long holiday. I wonder if somebody is going to do it for me. A friend, while discussing our not-so-happening career graph, asked if we were not ambitious enough. Honestly, I don’t know what to say. Correct, even I am not surprised at my response. That’s how lackadaisical I’ve become. Returning to the point, I thought of all the people who saw the ‘fire’ in me, the power, not just the want, to do something big. And here I was, at 27, nowhere close to the starting point. Where did I go wrong?

I think I know the answer to it. I let many people have a say in my life AND tried to incorporate my little self as well. What a distasteful hotchpotch your life becomes when you lack the conviction to stand by what you believe. AND, like puke inducing cherry to the cake, let others lead you. Ooooh la la!

Now that I know what went wrong, do I have the nerves to stomach it with head held up high? Do I have the conviction to undo the knot and stand afresh? I don’t know. I’ll let myself know in another one week. Buying time? No. got a painful croaking throat. Need to get that straight and then we’ll grab the b@#$%^s by theire balls. No, I don’t need my throat for that. But who’ll do the abusing when they wince in pain?

Blahg!

I wrote this a few months before she came:
Motu is my friends 18 month old Labrador. He is everything she didn’t want at this point in her life (professional as well as personal) and he is the only thing that she looks forward to on a bad day. And a good day. And even on a not so happengin day. And of course, every day! Anything that ties you down, not at gun point but by mere existence is a Motu now on.

There are quite a few Motus in my life. A few of them can survive without me, but it would be just survival. What more does one need? Oh there is all that crap about living and not surviving for the sake of it. Enjoying life and not letting time tick by. Then there is this little bundle of pain, anxiety, uneasiness, fear and worst of all, limitless joy that’s to come.

If once it was difficult for me to plan running away and starting afresh, now the mere thought sends me on a headache-ridden guilt trip. Now I am going to be responsible for the little monster all set to turn my life upside down. She is not even here and I eat as per her fancy. Sleep has gone for a toss and size XS is history.

Come to think of it, I have no reason right to whine. Serves me right for taking things for granted. Serves me right for acting like a 7th grader (I’m sure they are way smarter than I’m at 25) who thinks that before the stork, a crow will pass by warning you of the arrival and I’ll just have to glare the dog away. (The dog is fine, by the way. Annoyingly excited about the kid. Already planning things that make me role my eyes and clench my jaws.)

Change, She Did Not

I thought it would change my life.
I thought it would make me more docile.
I thought I would be more accepting and forgiving.
I thought I would be like the ones with a calm head over their shoulder, carrying their stiff, starched organdy salwar kameez with a smug composure.
I thought I would love to act like a wife.

Obviously I thought wrong. I can’t even begin the beeping act :).

and I wrote

I have no clue as to what’s kept me off writing for so long. I kept repeating some lame excuses to people who bothered to ask me about my blog. Some of them to do with toop much work, some of them do to with too little time, most of them to do with marriage. ‘I’m married. Now things are different.’ How different? Nobody bothered to ask. Why will they? Most everybody I know is content with a reason. Nobody wants to get into the dirty business of meddling into others business. A good thing I must say. I wouldn’t want to be bugged with, ‘But you need to make time for things you like Divya (have I used my name before?) and ‘Don’t let marriage bog you down. You go and write that book you’ve been wanting to pen.’ Considering I already have people to get my yet-unwritten book published, wonder what am I waiting for. Different issue that the selfless blokes have already claimed half of the royalty I get for the yet-unwritten book.

I wish just for once, only one time, I could stick to the thought I start off with. All I wanted to say to the little few who still glance through Processing Thoughts, was that the excuses were just that, excuses. There wasn’t an iota of fact in it. Are you saying that inane transcribing of videos (that thing I do that pays for my ginger tea) will keep from writing disconnected thoughts? Puhleasee! And I’m too much of an arrogant bitch to admit that a ‘husband’ can keep me from shooting my hands off. Especially a husband as paavam (or disinterested (10 months and I haven’t yet figured it out)) as mine.

I’ve managed two paragraphs. I’m sure I can take it up from here. Soon. I just hope the power cut doesn’t get in the way.

I will I will I will write…

...and they say marriage is bliss. I am not married yet and I feel like …never mind….let's not get there...but ya…I will I will I will write…

Just the way I'll meet my friends

Just the way I'll go to my library more often...

Just the way I'll read more often...

Just the way I'll watch good movies, more often...

Just the way I'll get to plan my weekends...

Just the way...oh there are so many things...

To begin with, I'll just write.