The unsaid…

There are people who take down a rejection well and then there are people who pretend that they've taken it well. Here is a excerpt taken from the diary of a girl who is still peretending...

-What role do u play? Rather…what role do I want u to play? As in, don't get me wrong. I don't want u to play any role…nope…but what exactly are you to me? As in…umm…I can't even frame it right…where do you stand. What are you to me…(yikes…it sounds too filmy and melodramatic, but that's precisely how I feel. That's precisely what I am thinking this second and since quite sometime).
Ok…now let me break this down and expose my thinking to you…hoping that you would understand my "could-be" madness.
Would you be the "forever friend" or the "father figure" or the "concerned other" or "the tricky player"? Which direction is this going? The odds in your favour are low when my mind is set in reality. It is when I'm riding on a high, feeling altogether silly because of you, that I have to beware of my own thinking abilities; never do they seem sensible in that state. That doesn't mean that you are to be blamed…its me who needs to have that thing called "mind control" or some such important sounding , deep word with profound meaning.
There have been times when I've felt as though I was swaying towards your direction, but for reasons unknown to me…or so I thought.
It was my misunderstanding to think that you would not be any different, so I let our association flourish at its leisure. If I had known that your intentions were not to leave me by the wayside, I probably would've ran away from you for fear of potential relationship entanglements. And then it happened. It actually happened….and I didn't know who was to be blamed. Actually I do know who is to be blamed…its solely you….you , you and only yuu. If it wasn't for the way you spoke that made me feel this different and for all the times you made me laugh wen I was on the verge of coming on the front page of the local daily the next day, and also for all the times that you made me feel normal and not some woman going on and on with her insane, inane mumblings…not that many made me feel so..but then I never spoke so much…I managed to cut them all off right in the beginning…so there was never even a reason for me to start off…you know.
And then you happened…and I didn't want it to happen…this was precisley the sort of thing that scared me to my bones…more than the creepy–crawlies and more than heights ...this is what scared me…!
That day, that ill-fated Sunday (come to think of it, the Sunday wasn't ill fated) when i said those dreaded words, you replied, "You know right it would never happen!?" followed by a- "will you be alright?" The first thing that came to my mind was "Why wouldn't it happen?" … but the first thing I uttered was , "Right...I know it won't! And I am absolutely alright…". That was one time I lied through my teeth (apart from the many other times…you thought only you lie according to your convenience?). It affected me so much that it wasn't funny. I tried saying it to myself that it's alright…but it wasn't. I told you, I wasn't…told you...let's not speak now...it's not helping me. No contact of any way at all. You said, "ok!"… there was no dispute from your end…that again disturbed and also made me stand up on what I said …it just made me more sure of my decision. Alas, I prefered being unsure …atleast that way I had a reason to talk to you...
I was just too happy that I was talking to you again…that I pretended to not think about 'it' at all. I thought it never happened. I ran away from it, or so I thought. It just got in deeper and deeper…just deep enough to resurface with a crash, a boom and a bang! And this time when it did, I played my cards safe…or so I thought. I didn't tell you at all. …nothing at all… till I could come up with a reason or solution or whatever…mother of all jokes, there is no solution. What bothered me more was, I didn't know the " why not?" yet. All I had to do was say, "Dude, too much this is! You said what you had to but I do not know the reason and I, the Queen of Nowhere land deserves to know it…"
But ..but ..but…then I thought….what if the reason is just too silly? What can be silly ….that ur name is A nd mine B? Or that I like pink and you don't? Or that I want to be a sparrow in my next life and you think that's a rot idea? Or that you play pool better than I do? Or that 'I think!' and you do more than just that? It goes on…the silly-list (You know better than I do that it is not a goddamn silly list). That would kill me. And ...and …and..what if the reason is ..something 'not-silly' …and what can that be…I can't think of any…probably because I am just at the 'I think !' level.
"So B , you utterly insane , blabbermouth , with a big foot in a bigger mouth could you just tell me what's the point of this perversely gargantuan piece of literary diarrhea?" I don't know, A. You know me better than I seem to know myself…so tell me what was the point of this whole exercise…you can skip the part of telling me about it…you can just …I don't know…
These things make me wonder wat part of the universe decided to bring us together and for what purpose it would serve…!
And now I don't know if I should mail you this…should I ..? I feel like sending it…though would it spoil whatever we have right now? Or should I just avoid it, just to avoid the pain (big word, I know…) or should I just be 'me' and do everything impulsively and then regret and bang my head and tear my hair and then act cranky and not take calls or talk to people? Do I need all this? Did I ever need what I got myself into?
Nope. So …here it comes..!! ta da….!!! -